The Jekyll and Hyde of it.

 On this adventure you will feel torn.  In the beginning it was easy, I just wanted to find out more information and to see if I could even afford it.   As I found out more information, I was not sure if I even wanted to continue.  Was it right for me? Too drastic? Could I do it on my own, would I gain it back?  Many thoughts crossed my Gemini mind.  Then I was torn if should even tell people.  How would they react?  Would they talk me out of it, would they talk me into it? Well remember I am a talker, so I did, I selected a few people to tell.  There was one person I wanted tell who is obese like myself, but I was nervous so I just put some feelers out there and asked, "what do you think about weight loss surgery?"  Reaction...  "No way, that's the easy way out.  I would never do that! ". Okay, so I did not tell them that day.  After I invited them to read my blog, they called and told me they support me 100%.  One person I told, stopped and gave me a big hug and said I fully support you, I just want you to be happy. People are going to have different reactions, so have all your facts and information gathered so you can answer questions.  You might want to wait until you have at least made your decision or even until you have gotten the final approval.  So you can be confident and sure in your decision.  Because I guarantee, you are going to have doubters and people trying to talk you out of it or tell you things and their opinions of how it is bad and the wrong thing to do.  I was prepared for this.  I am sure...

When all is said and done, this is YOUR decision! And it is a big one.  So don't make it quickly.  This is why I started writing a blog, to help myself through this process.  It's why I interviewed people, friends and strangers.  It's why I attended support groups to hear people talk about it, challenges and successes.  I looked on Facebook for groups just to read comments.  I gawked at Google, pined through Pinterest, tip toed all over Tumblr, etc.  I read every little single brochure, pamphlet and literature the doctors offices had in their waiting rooms or was given.  Because that it what I do to help me make decisions.  I am an information gatherer.  So that is what I did.

I also have faith in my life, so I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  And then I was at peace and I knew it was the right decision.  Whenever people are not religious and they are trying to make a decision, this is how I advise them.  Instead of going back and forth every minute, hour, day, just decide.  Make your decision, either way, yes or no, just make it.  Then see how you feel.  If you were to decide one way and you feel regret, feel stress, sadness, doubt.  Then after a day or so decide the other way, what do you feel?  If it is peace, calm, confident. Then that is your answer.  Easy peasy no matter how big the decision is.

Cheers to being confident and sure of our decisions,
CB

Sleep Apnea, Sleep Schmapnea...

This is usually me.  The one trying to file asleep while listening to the hubster snore away.  Yep, in fact I wear ear plugs every night. 

Sleep Apnea, Sleep Schmapnea!

That's how I felt..NO WAY do I have it.  If anyone has it, it's my husband.  I was sooooo wrong.  And when I found out, I was devastated.  This is more of that emotional self-discovery stuff that happens on this journey.

On my first appointment at the clinic, one of the rotations was the sleep specialist.  She walked me through how to wear the machine.  She asked me a few questions.  And even she said, you probably don't have it.

Fast forward to the night of sleep from hell!  How do they even get accurate results when I couldn't fall asleep for the first 2 hours?  I don't get it.  Anyone want to know what happens at night if you have sleep apnea...Here is the low down.

And here are some of the symptoms you may or may not have if you do in deed have sleep apnea. 

 So when they called me back to actually confirm my appointment instead of cancel it.  I knew.  Then I went away for the weekend with my mother.  Early mothers day present.  I told her about the potential surgery, the sleep apnea and being pre-diabetic.  I thought she might flip out and become her worried, sleepless night self, but she was incredibly supportive and trusting of my judgement.  But out of everything I told her, she was most concerned about the latter two issues.  She proceeded to talk about my father.  How he had sleep apnea and that he hated his c-pap machine, it made his mouth so dry that he couldn't talk.  She told me that the doctor had told her that it was the worst case of sleep apnea he had ever scene.  Because of the sores in his mouth, my father stopped wearing his machine.  He passed 3 months later. 

There are many reasons why this is hard for me to come to terms with.  One being the above.  If you have severe apnea, best to never stop wearing the machine.  I also love to travel, and I travel a lot for personal and for work.  Flashback to baby days, anyone ever travel with a breast pump? It sucks, but you do it for you and because it's best for your baby.  It would suck even more to have to travel with your CPAP machine for the REST of your life.  The things we do to live.

 Also THIS is not sexy...

But it is sexy to be alive.
So in the end, best to do what the docs say.  This is how I became okay with it and prepared to "hook it up" every night, lol!

I have mild to moderate sleep apnea.  In a 6 hour span I had 82 episodes ranging from 19.8 to 58 seconds long.  I stopped breathing for 58 seconds, no way!  Apparently everyone has a little apnea.  Anything less than an average of 5 is normal.

People think that only overweight people have apnea, not true. Yes, weight does play a factor, but it's just one of 5 reasons.  Here are some of the causes of sleep apnea:

• Your throat muscles and tongue relax more than normal.
• Your tongue and tonsils (tissue masses in the back of your mouth) are large compared with the opening into your windpipe.
• You're overweight. The extra soft fat tissue can thicken the wall of the windpipe. This narrows the inside of the windpipe, which makes it harder to keep open.
• The shape of your head and neck (bony structure) may cause a smaller airway size in the mouth and throat area.
• The aging process limits your brain signals' ability to keep your throat muscles stiff during sleep. Thus, your airway is more likely to narrow or collapse.

So I also can't assume that if I do get the surgery, the apnea will go away.  Bummer!  I am looking to do another test and look into some other treatments.  But I am more open and emotionally healthier about the results.  It's just fixing something that isn't quite right.  Like wearing contacts to correct your vision or braces to straighten your teeth.

And after all said and done, it would be nice to feel more rested, so I can keep up with my life and two kiddos. Life is just plain exhausting!

Sleep Well,
CB

Digging Deep

A journey of self-discovery is what this really is.  If you are not ready to dig deep then I would say, maybe think about the surgery later on or try something different.  There are reasons they have you go through psychology visits.  They want to make sure you can hold up and that you really are doing this for the right reasons.

The reasons for why I originally wanted to get surgery are completely different from why I want to or better to say, feel I need to now.  Did not see that coming!  Nor did I see the feelings that have been surfacing in the past month.

To get a little more personal if you don't mind (if you do, feel free to hit that little x in the corner), most of my feelings that have made a grand entrance this past week have been about my father.  Like I mentioned before he passed about 5, almost 6 years ago.  When the psychologist asked me to sum up in a few words what I thought of my father, all I could say as I fought back the tears was..."He was the greatest man I have ever known."  This opened the flood gates. Crying is a good release of emotion, that is what I keep telling myself.  What I have been most not prepared for was the next curve ball.  Sleep Apnea...BAM!!  (more on this later)  With that news, I quickly realized that I have been walking in the footsteps of my father this whole time.  Yes, I am like my mom, built like my mom, but something tells me when it comes to my health, I am more like my father.  About 7 years ago, I was told I was pre-diabetic.  During both of my pregnancies, I came up negative for gestational diabetes which I was very thankful for.  This does not mean that diabetes is free from my future. And if I were to continue on this path in my father's footsteps, diabetes along with my already diagnosed Sleep Apnea will be my future.  The truth is, I don't even want to think about it and in fact I have come to realize this past month that I am actually very much in denial about my true health.  I want to be healthy, I have always had that desire.  And I always think I am trying.  I try this diet and then this one, then I do some walking or go to a class.  But then in between I just lose all control.  For some reason when that diet didn't work, we think it's okay to splurge until we start the next plan of attack. Ever heard anyone say "tomorrow I'm starting my diet", I'm guilty.  I have always wanted to be healthy and thin and beautiful.  I want to run Hood-to-Coast again, I want to kayak in the ocean, go horseback riding, go down a slide with my child.  I want to be healthy.  I don't have time to be sick or tired or overweight or morbidly obese as they would call me now.  And I definitely do NOT have time for diabetes.

I want to be healthy.  You will discover this is how they want you to think.  And I agree, I have always been an optimist.  I am the happy one....on the outside.  I am the daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife, co-worker, boss that has it all together.  I am the one they come to for an opinion or advice.  But, the truth is for the last little while, I have been losing it.  But I always bake a pretty cake, a snazzy outfit and put on a smile.  Inside, I have been sad, distracted, worried.  Worried, that I will never lose the weight and not be around for my family. Sad, that I don't fit into life, that I hold back, that I have become self-conscience. Distracted, by the everyday, every minute obsession of how and when I am going to lose the weight.

But again, they don't want you to think about that stuff.  They want you to think about your life after surgery.  About the life that you are gaining.  About what you want to do with yourself.  About how you are going to live, really live!  My Psychologist has a whole bunch of pictures on his wall.  Pictures of his thin self, pictures of activities and places he has been post lap-band surgery.  He calls them his inspiration walls.  He says, when you have to make the choices like, should I eat this?   He wants you to program your brain with images and memories with enough motivation that you would always make the right choice. Choose your life now over eating this one thing that would take all that away. Why on earth would you want to lose that life, the thin one?  Then you have made the right choice.

 

So in the end, and really I am not even at the end, I am at the beginning.  I have discovered that my reasons for doing this are not just to lose the weight,  but are to BE HEALTHY, BE CONFIDENT, BE ACTIVE and to BE HAPPY.  Those are my B-attitudes!

Stay True and Dig Deep,

CB  

Who, What, Where, When and Why

Here are some little details on how to get this thing and research started.

Who:  This is a pretty important one since they are the one cutting you open.  Yep, I would do some research on this person as much as you can.  Beware of deals and Docs doing commercials for cheap surgeries.  This is not something that you want to buy on clearance.  Trust your instincts.  The Internet is a wonderful thing, many sites have reviews on doctors and talk to those support groups and friends.

What: So if you don't know already, there are three different types of weight loss surgery. 

Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass
This one is more common and has been around the longest.  It is a three step process, the most complicated surgery.  But a very good one, and one that most insurances will cover.  Some do not cover the Sleeve.

Sleeve Gastrectomy
This is the newest of the three.  The majority of the stomach is removed and left in a sleeve like shape.  This can also be the first step to a two step surgery if your doctor feels like it might be too dangerous to do the bypass right away.  It is irreversible.




Adjustable Gastric Lap Band
This is where they insert a band around the stomach.  It is filled with saline via the port that is accessible via the abdominal wall.  It may take a little while to get the right adjustment.  Saline can also be taken by the same process.  It is reversible.

 

Where:  This is the hospital or clinic you are going to go start and finish this journey with.  They will be there for you the whole way through and after for years to come.  They will provide an orientation, your blood and lab work, your psychology, nutritionist, physical fitness and doctor appointments.  Some clinics might contract or give you a list for certain providers and support groups or they will provide them all in house.  The clinic I have chosen is Oregon Weight Loss Surgery.  It is a private clinic here in Portland, the same one my friend went to when she got her surgery 3 years ago.  And they are conveniently right next door to the Legacy Weight Management Institute.  They are also an amazing clinic.  I would highly recommend either one. 

When:  This would be your timeline.  It will vary for each person.  Some may have an insurance company that requires weight loss or some sort of program prior to surgery.  Some people might need additional psychology appointments.  Some people might decide not to do the surgery and try to lost weight on your own.  It is a very big decision and it is not to be taken lightly.  Please don't rush this process.  Take every step as it comes and appreciate what it will teach you.  Which leads us to...

Why:   Why, Why, Why on earth would we want to cut off our stomachs and eat tiny amounts of really good for you food?  No more sweets, no more cake, no more french fries, no more steak.  Why?  Well I say, why not?  And the people that I have spoken to that have had the surgery only say, "why did I not do it sooner?"  This is of course a question you have to ask yourself and go through this process to make sure your reasons are the right one.  Set your goals, think about how you want your life to be.  That is your reason why!

What are you Who, What, When, Where and Whys?

Enjoy the process,
CB

Talk it up!

I LOVE to talk.  If you know me, I could talk all day long... talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.  I think by now my poor husband is so sick of me talking about it, but he still remains supportive.  One minute I think for sure I am having the surgery, one minute no, it is too risky.  But what can a girl do, it's a big decision and I just need to talk about it.  They give you a lot of information and there is a reason why it is such a long process to even get approved.  About 9 different appointments!  SO you must do your research and talk it out.

One of the best resources I have found is people that you may know that have gone through a weight loss surgery.  I have chosen (for now) to only tell three people for now, my husband and my two best friends.  Both of my friends knew someone that had the surgery, so they referred me to speak with them about it.  I also knew someone personally that I was able to talk to.  This has been extremely helpful in my research.  All of the people I spoke with have had overall good experiences.  All said they only wish they had done it sooner, no regrets.  That for some reason, this is finally the lifestyle change they could make.  All of them have kept most of the weight off, give or take 20 pounds for self correction (more about that later).

Support groups are also a great way to talk it out or even just listen.  Your clinic or the hospital near you will most likely have a once a month support group.  I went to one a few weeks ago.  And I have not even made my final decision yet  or received final approval.  I just wanted to listen to people and what they are going through.  My group was all kinds of people; some had the surgery 6 years ago; some 2 weeks before; some like me and contemplating it.  Mostly it was success stories, but there is a support group for a reason...it's hard.  I mean reeeaaalllly think about it, surgery or not, to lose weight...to really lose weight you have to give up the things you love.  Going out to eat will be different, the family get togethers, the holidays, the birthdays, dates, ...for me these are usually food centric activities that I have been raised to eat my little heart out at.  For the rest of my life WILL be different.  And that my friends is a good thing :)

If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you!

-CB

A very good place to start...my life in pictures.

I'm starting this blog to document my feelings, challenges and successes on my journey to becoming a healthier me.  The method...the Sleeve, or formally known as the Sleeve Gastrectomy.

So here's the Skinny on the Sleeve...

First my life in Pictures, because don't pictures say a thousand words?

Me as a pretty cute kid.   My daughter and I look so much alike.  Secretly one of my worst fears is my daughter struggling with her weight like I have done for most of my life.  I only hope to raise her actively and with good habits.

 

I started gaining weight when I was about 12.  I would eat like 3 bowels of cereal a day or more.  My mom cooked good dinners every night.  And I was on swim team.  When I was 16 I weighed over 200 lbs.  My father was diabetic and went on a system called Optifast.  He lost a ton of weight and so I asked if I could do it too.  I lost 40lbs and created good habits on 5 shakes a day, then lost another 30lbs on my own.  I worked out almost everyday, took tennis classes and never ate fast food.  I entered my senior year of high school weighing my lowest ever 136lbs.  It was the best year ever, first kiss the summer before, senior prom, then college!

My first boyfriend and first kiss.  I was 17, late bloomer.

This was me my senior year of college, I pretty much gained most of it back over that 5 year span.  When I was about 26-27, I started to get my booty in gear again. 

  One of my best friends.  We were single traveling buddies.  Went on several cruises, a trip to Italy, Vegas, Hawaii...I LOVE to travel!  And always will!

 The parental units and my younger brother (still single ladies! 36 and just a big, funny, teddy bear).  This was after I lost about 40lbs on Isagenix.  Awesome program and a small chunk of change. At least $200 a month, 2 shakes a day, plus hot yoga and kick boxing classes 5 times a week.  I looked awesome and felt incredible.  I think I got down to a 16, about 170lbs.

I looked so great and had so much confidence.  It was TIME to meet the hubby!  I was 30, he was 30, I knew he was the one after one date.  I moved to Portland 6 months later and we got engaged.  Married 6 months after that.

The above two pictures were taken in Lake Tahoe during my nieces wedding.  My father was the greatest man I have ever known. This was the last time I saw my dad and the only time my husband got to meet him.  He passed 5 months before we got married.  I am a daddy's girl, so this was VERY hard for me.

My Wedding Day!

Hood to Coast 2008!  I ran this about 6 months after I got married.  It was tough, but I loved it! One of the most memorable and unique experiences I have ever had.  My brother is next to me on the left.  I had always wanted to be a runner and I sure attempted it here.  A slow 12-13 minute mile.  I have a lot of junk in the trunk if you know what I mean, so when I run I just feel heavy.  But I still loved it!

Me Pregnant with the Boss

Me after baby #1, gained 60 pounds. 4 years later... never could get the weight off.  But love this boy and he sure keeps me busy

.

Me with my best friend, a couples only trip to Hawaii.  Had a blast!  But this was the first time I traveled where my weight really affected me.  I wasn't able to hike very good or go on the Kayak tour (exceeded the weight limit).  Had to make up some lame excuse why we could not go because I was so embarrassed.

Even tried to reinvent myself by cutting off all of my hair.  Didn't work...I worked out almost everyday this summer, barely made a dent.

Our trip to Alaska, brrrrr!  As you can see here we both have gained some weight, the marriage 20?  More like 70 pounds total for me.

Me preggers with little miss S. 

Me after two babies, 80 pound gain from when I got married.  119 pounds up from my lowest ever in high school.  I now weigh 255, that's a lot of weight for my little 5'4" frame.  This was taken about 6 months ago.

If you would have asked me a year ago or any other time before that if I would consider weight loss surgery.  I would have told you H. E. double hockey stick NO.  I am not sure what changed my mind to start considering it.  Maybe that it would break my heart to lose a bunch of weight and spend a bunch of money, all just to gain it back again.  Or maybe because I am pre-diabetic.  Or maybe because I have just been diagnosed with sleep apnea.  But I tell you what, now I cannot get it off my mind!


CB