Digging Deep

A journey of self-discovery is what this really is.  If you are not ready to dig deep then I would say, maybe think about the surgery later on or try something different.  There are reasons they have you go through psychology visits.  They want to make sure you can hold up and that you really are doing this for the right reasons.

The reasons for why I originally wanted to get surgery are completely different from why I want to or better to say, feel I need to now.  Did not see that coming!  Nor did I see the feelings that have been surfacing in the past month.

To get a little more personal if you don't mind (if you do, feel free to hit that little x in the corner), most of my feelings that have made a grand entrance this past week have been about my father.  Like I mentioned before he passed about 5, almost 6 years ago.  When the psychologist asked me to sum up in a few words what I thought of my father, all I could say as I fought back the tears was..."He was the greatest man I have ever known."  This opened the flood gates. Crying is a good release of emotion, that is what I keep telling myself.  What I have been most not prepared for was the next curve ball.  Sleep Apnea...BAM!!  (more on this later)  With that news, I quickly realized that I have been walking in the footsteps of my father this whole time.  Yes, I am like my mom, built like my mom, but something tells me when it comes to my health, I am more like my father.  About 7 years ago, I was told I was pre-diabetic.  During both of my pregnancies, I came up negative for gestational diabetes which I was very thankful for.  This does not mean that diabetes is free from my future. And if I were to continue on this path in my father's footsteps, diabetes along with my already diagnosed Sleep Apnea will be my future.  The truth is, I don't even want to think about it and in fact I have come to realize this past month that I am actually very much in denial about my true health.  I want to be healthy, I have always had that desire.  And I always think I am trying.  I try this diet and then this one, then I do some walking or go to a class.  But then in between I just lose all control.  For some reason when that diet didn't work, we think it's okay to splurge until we start the next plan of attack. Ever heard anyone say "tomorrow I'm starting my diet", I'm guilty.  I have always wanted to be healthy and thin and beautiful.  I want to run Hood-to-Coast again, I want to kayak in the ocean, go horseback riding, go down a slide with my child.  I want to be healthy.  I don't have time to be sick or tired or overweight or morbidly obese as they would call me now.  And I definitely do NOT have time for diabetes.

I want to be healthy.  You will discover this is how they want you to think.  And I agree, I have always been an optimist.  I am the happy one....on the outside.  I am the daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife, co-worker, boss that has it all together.  I am the one they come to for an opinion or advice.  But, the truth is for the last little while, I have been losing it.  But I always bake a pretty cake, a snazzy outfit and put on a smile.  Inside, I have been sad, distracted, worried.  Worried, that I will never lose the weight and not be around for my family. Sad, that I don't fit into life, that I hold back, that I have become self-conscience. Distracted, by the everyday, every minute obsession of how and when I am going to lose the weight.

But again, they don't want you to think about that stuff.  They want you to think about your life after surgery.  About the life that you are gaining.  About what you want to do with yourself.  About how you are going to live, really live!  My Psychologist has a whole bunch of pictures on his wall.  Pictures of his thin self, pictures of activities and places he has been post lap-band surgery.  He calls them his inspiration walls.  He says, when you have to make the choices like, should I eat this?   He wants you to program your brain with images and memories with enough motivation that you would always make the right choice. Choose your life now over eating this one thing that would take all that away. Why on earth would you want to lose that life, the thin one?  Then you have made the right choice.

 

So in the end, and really I am not even at the end, I am at the beginning.  I have discovered that my reasons for doing this are not just to lose the weight,  but are to BE HEALTHY, BE CONFIDENT, BE ACTIVE and to BE HAPPY.  Those are my B-attitudes!

Stay True and Dig Deep,

CB